After my child was born and taken to the NICU I had so many issues. I had, had an epidural & fentanyl and I was very out of it. I knew they had taken her to the NICU but I didn’t know what all was going on.

My water had broken at 1000 p.m. exactly. I drove me and my husband to the ER again. This was the third time in the pregnancy we had been to the ER. But this time it was to have our little bitty surprise.

They admitted me after finally saying I was in labor and they were going to try postponing my delivery using some drugs. yay, am I right?

If your wondering if it worked it really didn’t, in fact it made it all worse. And as much as I loved my nurses I wanted a natural birth and that was vetoed.. They didn’t even ask for my birth plan. After a few hours of rest (Supposedly), after the labor, I went to go see my little baby girl who was doing fantastic in the NICU.

Her first few days in the NICU…

I have to say I was scared slightly. I had just had a baby and I had none of my birth plan go right at all. She was perfect though! SO Perfect! They had her on oxygen for only a few days before taking her off. She was on a feeding tube for 25.

Breast feeding its sad to say never really happened. It never really happened in the NICU or at home. It was, as I would say, the one thing that I wanted to go right. After three months I finally found a IBCLC that would take our insurance. After listening to what she had to say I was so upset, angry and hurt over the whole situation. I was told that I didn’t have any milk supply even though I was trying my hardest to help it out and pump when I could. But months of traveling by bus (I had a car accident and we no longer had a car) with no ability to pump or people to some help support me I got stressed out and my supply failed. I was so angry. On top of all this she had a severe tongue tie no one had addressed and torticullis- (twisting and atrophying of the neck muscles.). This caused so many issues breast feeding, as well as her aversion to the breast and her bottle being her best friend even though I said I didn’t wasn’t her having a bottle because I was in the hospital with her.

NICU moms are so strong I keep hearing. “You’re so strong I wouldn’t have been able to go through what you did.” and “Why do you cry at a drop of a hat when talking about the whole experience? you were so put together when it was happening.” the answers aren’t easy. For one, we knew we were probably in for a very bad pregnancy, I have so many health issues and we had gotten pregnant at a very rough time, we thought in the first eight weeks we had, had a miscarriage that made it a little bit easier in some ways. I was ready for a miscarriage at any time, I know that sounds horrible but being prepared for it helped me through it. After so much abuse in my childhood it felt good to know I could be prepared for something bad and still know I was going to make it through. The second isn’t an easy answer. I didn’t really let myself really comprehend that she was premature and with sooo many miscommunications in the NICU over things it didn’t make any sense why she was still there. To me she was my little girl and she was very ready to come home from what I was seeing. Looking back I feel all the feelings I didn’t allow myself to feel.

• Fear
• crippled
• denied
• hated
• unwanted
• small
• unworthy
• No support
• lonely

And sooo much anger.

Anger that she came early.

Anger that it didn’t go like I had hoped.

Anger over feeling violated in every way.

Anger that nothing went right in my mind.

I still have issues- seeing them take her away from me in my drugged stupor, seeing her for the first time and thinking she must be very angry with me for letting her come so early and all these strangers taking care of her and not her Ama. Right now just thinking about it all I am crying. Nothing went right. But one thing did. I got to bring her home and take care of her and that was the best thing to ever happen. I never thought I would get to bring her home.

Now 5 1/2 months after we all are doing much better and I am proud to say I will be blogging more often. 🙂

I hope that my adventures in an Arizona NICU help others and that I can give to those going through it themselves or are going to have to go through what I did.

“You can do the impossible because you’ve been through the unimaginable.”

~ Christina Rasmussen

Here are some links I wish I had, had in the beginning of our NICU experience.

A haakaa is great for while breastfeeding, you can feed on one side and be gently pulling milk from the other breast at the same time, saving all that liquid gold from leaking and not being used!

Haakaa

a Medela pump in style is a great little pump that was heavily suggested by drs in the NICU and by the pediatrician, or a Medela Symphony- but I wasn’t about to pay +$2000 for a pump, who does that? Am I right? The pump in styl;e is also more travel friendly- and as one who is constantly on the move something like this is perfection! Pump in style 😊

Spectra pumps are great! I have heard from moms all over and they just love these! They are so perfect and are nearly equal to the Medela pumps! Plus, even more travel friendly!

I love these! they make it so easy during the first few months to collect the colostrum and even before baby is born when you start to leak a bit. Perfect for when they are sick or need an immune boost.

Happy Pumping!