Another chapter begins

Another chapter begins in our journey from preemie to baby to crawling to walking I can’t even think about how many hurdles we’ve jumped recently over the last few months I guess I’ll start with the most recent and walk myself back.

  • She said her first sentence ever! “its a baby duckie!”
  • She started to recognize mama when she says it- everything has been mama up until yesterday.
  • She walked- assisted by our little grocery cart.
  • she has tried going to breast!!!!! And i have started to produce milk again and am working on trying to bring it up so she can come off formula.
  • She started talking more. Little words here and there.
  • She’s officially a race car driver- she’s crawling so fast!
  • She now has Daddy as a full-time stay at home parent.
  • I am working as a EMS dispatcher with prospects of getting my paramedic (again) and going out in the field or working towards my nursing degree after.
  • I met the most wonderful Lactation specialists in AZ
  • I overcame Severe mastitis and sepsis
  • I started supporting some mothers who are/have gone through similar situations so that they know its not just them
  • fell in love with learning how to do acrylic nails and the art that goes into them
  • Learning so much about how nursing/pumping can affect a mother as well as those around her- especially a baby
Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

With all this said I can now say that the journey is worth it. I wake up early every morning just to go out to the living room in our one bedroom apartment and see that sleeping little face. We are moving into my Husbands parents house soon and I will have a garden and so much more space for baby girl to zoom around in. I honestly can’t wait for baby girl to play in the garden.

With everything going on I hadn’t been able to blog in forever and I have so much to share with you my friend! I have felt so stifled since I started work.

Well with all this being said I will start my story from 7.5 months postpartum- oof.

By 3 months I had been told I had dried up. No more milk and to not even think about the medication that would help because according to the lactation consultant I saw there was no point. I had received a pump from my husbands insurance at the time, I had thoroughly researched it – (or at least I thought I had) only to find I 1. didn’t have enough help to support pumping and 2. my daughter had severe tongue and lip ties- which they don’t look for in the hospital at all and ICBLC’s are not allowed to talk about it. so for the first 3/4 months of my daughters life we struggled breastfeeding. I ended up with clogged ducts to the point when I returened to the work place I ended up septic thanks to severe mastitis and infection in the breast tissues.

I never realized I was so sick I can remember being so tired and cold all the time even though it was over 100 degrees outside I would be wearing a sweatshirt and long pants because I was so cold. My mind was always foggy. I found no relief from anything. when I finally had enough I ended up emailing my midwifes- the angels of mercy that they are! They pointed me towards a woman coordinated through the ICBLC network who was able to get me in touch with the most wonderful woman and ICBLC I have come to know.

After hearing our story and all the things that ended up going wrong she directed me to start a regimen of turmeric and Arnica with Ibuprofen for the swelling and the pain.

After that things got slightly better but not by much. After a week she came to the apartment to meet us and with all said she convinced me to try again and see what we could do about restarting our breastfeeding journey. She sent me to the AZ breastfeeding medicine and wellness center for ultrasound treatments for making the clogs break down quickly. I ended up pumping crystals and pus for a month, after a month of pumping that I was able to get some antibiotics and antifungals to kill the infection. It was a night and day difference I thought due to all the people I had talked with who were supposed to be experts in the field of breastfeeding that I would dry up like I had been told after 90 days of no pumping- no one told me the pain wasn’t abnormal, and no one heard me when I said I had clogs previously.

That’s all I have for now, and I will try and write more often.

Birthing classes: When you can’t afford them & the recources available to you!

While we were pregnant we knew we needed a birthing class, BUT 1) we couldn’t afford birthing classes and 2) didn’t have the chance to really look for any that we could afford. Baby girl made it very clear Mommy and Daddy were not going to have opportunities to make us ready. And that is completely alright with me.

Ok so a few things you can use is YouTube. YouTube has a lot of resources to choose from- I like the one by TMC health its broken down into a few hours a day for nearly a week taught by a very experienced birthing instructor here in Arizona.

There are some tiktoker’s that are very helpful and are birthing specialists but I greatly discourage using them because any one can be something they are not on social media. Make sure you are getting information from a vetted source.

I have some online courses I liked looking at while I was pregnant I will list them here:

https://chmcmaternity.hc.digital/#~9m7D9p4 ~ this one is from a hospital in California but seems to be better at explaining what all is included in the birthing and recovery units as well as classes .

Pampers website has 9 free classes taught by numerous birthing clinicians- you do have t sign up on Pampers website to be able to take them but that can be a life saver later because they have a diaper rewards program & signing up for that program sometimes can be a pain in the butt when your sleep deprived.

Udemy has a list of birthing classes which I looked up and saw as options if you want to go that route. They also go on sale sometimes for about $15.

Amazon is a great resource for getting books you can read to help either your spouse, birthing partner or yourself with a lot of informal books. I loved the birth Partner and in fact reference it a lot when talking with friends about everything labor and baby. Here is my Amazon affiliate link for some of my favorite books ~

The Birth Partner

Happy reading!

Breastfeeding in the NICU

After my child was born and taken to the NICU I had so many issues. I had, had an epidural & fentanyl and I was very out of it. I knew they had taken her to the NICU but I didn’t know what all was going on.

My water had broken at 1000 p.m. exactly. I drove me and my husband to the ER again. This was the third time in the pregnancy we had been to the ER. But this time it was to have our little bitty surprise.

They admitted me after finally saying I was in labor and they were going to try postponing my delivery using some drugs. yay, am I right?

If your wondering if it worked it really didn’t, in fact it made it all worse. And as much as I loved my nurses I wanted a natural birth and that was vetoed.. They didn’t even ask for my birth plan. After a few hours of rest (Supposedly), after the labor, I went to go see my little baby girl who was doing fantastic in the NICU.

Her first few days in the NICU…

I have to say I was scared slightly. I had just had a baby and I had none of my birth plan go right at all. She was perfect though! SO Perfect! They had her on oxygen for only a few days before taking her off. She was on a feeding tube for 25.

Breast feeding its sad to say never really happened. It never really happened in the NICU or at home. It was, as I would say, the one thing that I wanted to go right. After three months I finally found a IBCLC that would take our insurance. After listening to what she had to say I was so upset, angry and hurt over the whole situation. I was told that I didn’t have any milk supply even though I was trying my hardest to help it out and pump when I could. But months of traveling by bus (I had a car accident and we no longer had a car) with no ability to pump or people to some help support me I got stressed out and my supply failed. I was so angry. On top of all this she had a severe tongue tie no one had addressed and torticullis- (twisting and atrophying of the neck muscles.). This caused so many issues breast feeding, as well as her aversion to the breast and her bottle being her best friend even though I said I didn’t wasn’t her having a bottle because I was in the hospital with her.

NICU moms are so strong I keep hearing. “You’re so strong I wouldn’t have been able to go through what you did.” and “Why do you cry at a drop of a hat when talking about the whole experience? you were so put together when it was happening.” the answers aren’t easy. For one, we knew we were probably in for a very bad pregnancy, I have so many health issues and we had gotten pregnant at a very rough time, we thought in the first eight weeks we had, had a miscarriage that made it a little bit easier in some ways. I was ready for a miscarriage at any time, I know that sounds horrible but being prepared for it helped me through it. After so much abuse in my childhood it felt good to know I could be prepared for something bad and still know I was going to make it through. The second isn’t an easy answer. I didn’t really let myself really comprehend that she was premature and with sooo many miscommunications in the NICU over things it didn’t make any sense why she was still there. To me she was my little girl and she was very ready to come home from what I was seeing. Looking back I feel all the feelings I didn’t allow myself to feel.

  • Fear
  • crippled
  • denied
  • hated
  • unwanted
  • small
  • unworthy
  • No support
  • lonely

And sooo much anger.

Anger that she came early.

Anger that it didn’t go like I had hoped.

Anger over feeling violated in every way.

Anger that nothing went right in my mind.

I still have issues- seeing them take her away from me in my drugged stupor, seeing her for the first time and thinking she must be very angry with me for letting her come so early and all these strangers taking care of her and not her Ama. Right now just thinking about it all I am crying. Nothing went right. But one thing did. I got to bring her home and take care of her and that was the best thing to ever happen. I never thought I would get to bring her home.

Now 5 1/2 months after we all are doing much better and I am proud to say I will be blogging more often. 🙂

I hope that my adventures in an Arizona NICU help others and that I can give to those going through it themselves or are going to have to go through what I did.

“You can do the impossible because you’ve been through the unimaginable.”

~ Christina Rasmussen

Here are some links I wish I had, had in the beginning of our NICU experience.

A haakaa is great for while breastfeeding, you can feed on one side and be gently pulling milk from the other breast at the same time, saving all that liquid gold from leaking and not being used!

Haakaa

a Medela pump in style is a great little pump that was heavily suggested by drs in the NICU and by the pediatrician, or a Medela Symphony- but I wasn’t about to pay +$2000 for a pump, who does that? Am I right? The pump in styl;e is also more travel friendly- and as one who is constantly on the move something like this is perfection! Pump in style 😊

http://Spectra pump

Spectra pumps are great! I have heard from moms all over and they just love these! They are so perfect and are nearly equal to the Medela pumps! Plus, even more travel friendly!

Haakaa breast milk collector cups

I love these! they make it so easy during the first few months to collect the colostrum and even before baby is born when you start to leak a bit. Perfect for when they are sick or need an immune boost.

Happy Pumping!

Beginnings

Conception is typically the beginning of the journey. Sometimes that journey takes a sharp left turn we were just not expecting.

Pregnant. That’s what the test showed when I took the hundredth pregnancy test, at least it felt like the hundredth. After reading that I immediately had the worst thought I never thought I would have. “You have to abort. You can’t afford this right now.” My husband and I had been trying for months, and that was my immediate response? I felt shame and anger immediately. At my thoughts and at the sexual abuse I had endured growing up and then later in college.

I never believed I would have children. Too much trauma. Too many beatings to remember. I was angry with myself for weeks for having those thoughts. I on one hand was right. We couldn’t afford what was coming. But the child I was carrying was innocent and deserved life. So a life I was going to give.

I had it all planned. Midwives a natural birth, I would hold my baby and nurse her for as long as she wanted. That never happened. And not for the lack of trying.

My little baby girl, made her own way into this world.

At five months pregnant I got a phone call from my midwife. “You either need to go to the emergency room or get the soonest appointment you can with the perinatologist your liver is not functioning properly and you might lose your baby if we don’t get this figured out quick.” That was the call I got while at work in a bridal shop.

Every mother’s nightmare. You might lose your child. I heard this over and over through my whole pregnancy. Do you know how awful I felt? Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Maybe you do, maybe you’ve gone through something similar and are looking for a way to make it all better for you or someone else going through it. My friend, the fear is still very present. It’s not rational, it’s not something I should have had to deal with it’s just there. Never going to really go away I think. I pray it does.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started